More Princess Shenanigans
Dear Tuco,
How are you?fine i hope.
Ok print out these details to go to western union office immediately to avoid any mistakes in sending the money this time as the security company instructed also the text question is nescessary as they stated.
RECEIVERS NAME IS : NWAOKOLO AZUBUIKE.
ADDRESS LOCATION WHERE THE MONEY SHOULD BE SENT TO IS : LAGOS NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION IS: PRINCESS
ANSWER IS : MAWA.
AMOUNT SENT IS:..........................
Please ensure you go to western union office with these above listed details to avoid mistakes in sending the money,Also please proceed there right away to send the money and send me the payment details,incase there's changes in{ MTCN}from the Western union office then do inform me and send the current one to me.
Thanks as i await the payment details right now.
Regards
How am I? Not so good, actually.
It bothers me how you ignored the entire content of
the last email I wrote you. I asked you a couple
simple questions and you ignored them.
It's like all you care about is my money. What's up
with that?
I don't think you're interested in me as a person at
all.Attn:Tuco,
Please dont insult my person and do forget about this transaction from this moment because am just two big for you to use for child's play,i dont do things with men that does not know their right from their left,so please stop insulting my person since you have been usuing me to play since without sending any money its okay now bye and Good luck.
Thank you for wasting all my precious time ever since.
Mrs Princess.Princess is very angry at me. I will cry now.
I don't understand?
Are you mad at me?
Do you still want me to send you the money? Do you
still need it?
If you are still serious over this transaction then go ahead in sending down the money to the security companywith the new information sent to you last and send me the payment information as instructed before but if you are not serious over the transaction then bye and god luck to you.
Mrs Princess.
I'm very serious. I just don't like how you alternate
between having real conversations with me and
DEMANDING I send you money.
You're insulting me.
This is not a very Christian way to act, Princess. It
makes me wonder what your motives are.
I want to help you out, but you need to show me more
respect. In my country, women respect their men. Things are on the rocks with Mrs. Princess. I'm trying to salvage it, but she's a fickle lady. And HOT!
Two Arguments in HollywoodWhile showing some out-of-town relatives (Sister Carolyn, Cousin Dorothy, and Second Cousin Kelly) around Hollywood today, I got into two separate street arguments.
I was feeling feisty.
Argument 1: The Scary Clown
This guy, Fatt-o the Clown, was making balloon animals on Hollywood Blvd. He was shouting at all passerby. Like any sane people would do, we tried to avoid making eye-contact with him.
"Hey, you!" bellows Clowny McUnfunny. "Yes, You... Why won't you talk to me?"
So we keep walking.
"You're being very rude! Why are you being so rude to me?" He hollered.
I walked back over to him.
Me (conversationally): We weren't being rude to you, but clowns make us uncomfortable.
Clown: No they don't.
Me: Yeah, they do. We don't really want to get hassled, and we're not in the mood for balloon animals.
Clown: If you're so afraid, you shouldn't be here.
Me: No one is afraid, but just because you really
want us to pay attention to you doesn't mean we're obligated to.
Clown: Well, maybe you shouldn't be here.
Realizing you can't win an argument with a scary clown, we walked on. Later, however, argument karma hit me again.
Argument Two (Disgruntled Movie Worker)We're leaving the Hollywood Wax Museum, and we walked smack into the middle of a film being shot on the sidewalk. No barriers, though. No closed street. Just some dudes and dolly track.
Burly Guy with "Security" on his shirt: You need to move off this sidewalk, NOW.
Me (impersonating Napoleon Dynamite): I'll do whatever I feel like I want to do. Gosh!
Burly: The faster you move out of here, the faster we can get finished.
Me: I don't care how long it takes you to finish, I just care that you're being rude to us.
Burly: We're doing this for your good.
Me: For my good? What the hell are you talking about?
Burly: We're making entertainment for people like you. (I swear, he really said that.)
Me (after laughing): Your movie isn't even big enough to close the sidewalk! You're never going to get distribution.
Burly: Look, I don't come down to where you work and stand around arguing with you.
Me: I don't work on a public sidewalk.... and if you did come to my work, I wouldn't be rude to you. Why not try "Please move out of my shot?"
Burly: Okay, you're right. Sorry about that.
Me: No problem, Burly McYelly.
----
But Hollywood isn't bad like that, usually. It's pretty awesome. There's a world of wonders to behold.
Look at Snake Man:
He stood on a stepladder holding two rubber snakes and a ship's wheel. We waited and waited for him to do something. Eventually, he said, "Make sure you drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day, everyone!"
Thanks, Snake Man! That's sound advice!
Look at the ugly Jerry Seinfeld in wax.
David Niven cut in half and jammed into a wooden box.
WonderWoman's Camel Toe!
Rat Packer Sammy Davis Jr. Note attention to detail. The glass eye stares at nothing! Amazing!
Why is Mario shoved in a display with Nicholas Cage? It is a mystery.
Even Jesus and his crizzew hang out at the Wax Museum. Christians throw pennies at him, and if they make it in the plate, their wishes come true. This is a verifiable fact.
I wished I could meet the real Superman, and look:
Superman!
This guy doesn't care that he's in a cheap Superman suit. He doesn't care that he's wearing glasses AND tights, ruining the whole "fake identity" thing. He doesn't look anything like Superman in any way shape or form, but he doesn't care. That's because he really
is Superman, so why should he try to prove it to mere mortals like us?
He gave me this autograph:
On the back it reads "Signature Series One... D.L.K."
Another mystery!
Yay, Hollywood!
Philosophy with Mrs. PrincessDear Stephen,
Thanks for sending me the payment details as requested.
However you made a mistake by sending the money in my name Princess,the money is surposed to be sent to the security company direct and not to me.
However all you have to do now is to go back immediately to the western union office where you have sent the money to resend the money to the security company's head office in Nigeria under these Name/Details.
RECEIVERS NAME : NWAOKOLO AZUBUIKE.
SEND OUT LOCATION IS: LAGOS NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION IS: WHO IS ABLE.
ANSWER IS: GOD.
AMOUNT SENT:.......................
Please ensure you send the money to these above listed details,The {MTCN ]with City where you sent the monies from which you sent can remain as sent to me.
Please also recomfirm the total amount you have sent for proper comfirmation,to enable the security company's head office in Nigeria pick up the money to purchase the required document so as to deliver my funds to you.
Thank you as i await your recomfirmation afterwhich you have made the new changes as instructed in sending the money through Western union money transfer's office.
Be blessed by God.
Regards,
Mrs Princess Mawa.Dear Mrs. Princess.
Please forgive my stupidity. I'm sorry I didn't send
the Western Union info to the right person. I'm not
used to dealing with these kinds of things, and I'm a
little emotionally upset over my relationship with my
father.
I'm not sure about the "text question" either. How important is that to the transaction? I mean, I'm a good christian and all, but I'm not sure about the
answer.
Aren't there limits to what God is able to do? Like, could He make a rock so heavy he couldn't lift it? I'm not sure about this question. Maybe we should change it? Please advise.
I want to make sure and get this right so I don't have to repeat this and we can get on with the transaction. I need money really bad.
When will we finally get to meet each other?
Oh yeah, Rob?
Check this out:
Attn:Tuco,
The only way i can consider you is that you go ahead and send the money as needed by the security company in Holland and send me the payment details as surposed,if not then forget about this transaction completely but if you are sure of proceeding with me in total sincreity and honest in this transaction then go ahead right now to transfer the money through western union and send me the payment deytails.
Thanks and good luck.
Mrs Princess.Reply, Forwarded to Pops as well:
You know what, Mrs. Princess? You're right. It's time for me to start being a damn man for a change and start running my own life.
You hear that, Dad? I've had enough of you meddling in my affairs. You can stop holding your dirty money over my head, Dad. I'm through with it. I won't need it anyway, once I get my percentage from my dealings with the Princess.
I'm changing my major from Edritch Studies to Cryogenics, Dad. What do you think about that? I'm not following in your footsteps any longer.
This is my independence day! And I'm starting by sending ALL the money to Mrs. Princess. Check Western Union, Princess. The FULL amount you asked for is down there for you...
MTC# 7325979593
City: Arkham MA
FROM: Tuco Benedito Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez
TO: Mrs. Princess Mawa
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Nigerian Princess Update: Attn Tuco,
>
> I am so disapponited by your words at this point,i
> never knew that you do not trust my person just
> because of my present situation am into right
> now,Listen i was a big woman while my late husband
> was alive,i mean how in this world will i claim whom
> i am not,listen if your father is doubting my person
> then tell him to fly down to my country here to meet
> me in person then both of you can believe my person
> am a real dedicated born again christian
> evengelising the word of God,so i cannot associate
> myself in lie.
>
> Althernatively introduce a chapter in the bible
> where i can swear if am not whom i claim to be,my
> dear brother in christ i am whom i said i am,its
> just my present situation that has kept me under
> this condition,as you must have known i do not ask
> you to send the needed amount to me,but to send it
> to the security company in Holland to enable secure
> all the needed documents which will allow them
> deliver my funds to you.
>
> Listen i know the 20% am offering you in this
> transaction might be a small amount of money but it
> will take one another a long way in life,but there's
> nothing i can do because of my present situation i
> dont want to be greedy and loose the whole money to
> my Husband brothers thats why i contacted you to
> offer you such percentage provided my funds are safe
> in your care until we come over to meet you for our
> stay.
>
> Please give me a chapter in the bible where i can
> swear for you and your father to believe my
> sincreity in these whole thing.
>
> Or of you dont wish to proceed further then tell me
> so that i can look for another person whom will have
> trust in me to conclude the transaction with me.
>
> Thanks and remain blessed by the special grace of
> the almighty God.
>
> Regards,
>
> Mrs Princess.I reply thusly:
Dear Mrs. Princess.
I DO want to proceed further. It's just a little
complicated on my end, now that my FATHER is involved.
I never should have told him ANYTHING about this. I
tried hard to sway him with your arguments. Praise
Jesus!
He's pretty stubborn, and he doesn't want me to
succeed at anything.
I told him you would be willing to swear on the Gospel
of St. Sothoth as well as the Necronomicon, but he
still wanted to hear from you.
He's a busy-body who is always meddling in my affairs,
and I'm praying that he will get a cancer. So I'm
copying him on this letter; you can talk to him
yourself.
He said I could give you HALF of the numbers you need,
but you would have to write to him for the other half.
He's trying to control my life and I'm a grown MAN!
My half is:
MTC: 7325
His email address is xxxx@yahoo.comThe Princess writes to Pops (played by
Marty Barrett.)
Dear Sir,
>
> How are you with your house hold?fine i hope.
>
> Well i am Mrs Princess Mawa,i intoduced my
> transaction to your beloved son Mr Tuco,but
> unfortunately he says that you instructed him not to
> send the charges for the required documents to the
> security company in Holland,so that they can obtain
> the nescessary documents that will help them to
> deliver my funds to him in your country,please Sir,i
> am whom i said i am and if you so doubt it you can
> fly down here in my country to met with me personal
> so as to believe me of my sincerity.
>
> Please allow this young man to send me the payment
> control number of the sent money,but tell me if you
> are now going to proceed further on the transaction.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Mrs Princess Mawa.Pops responds:
My Dear Mrs. Princess
May you be coated in Cthulhu's processing juices to be
fresh for eating when the final walls are removed to
His Dominion!
Thank you so much for corresponding with my son,
Tuco. He is a wonderful young man and he speaks
very highly of you. He has not been so excited about
one of his penpals since he enjoyed a lengthy letter
exchange with General Idi Amin in 1970. The general
credited my son with giving him the inspiration to
seize power in Uganda.
Alas, Tuco's romantic relationships have mostly
gone sour, and therefore I am overjoyed that a
financial arrangement has led to his falling in love
with you. I would be more than happy to discuss the
monetary arrangements to unite our two families when I
meet you in the Netherlands. It just so happens that I
will be the center of a War Crimes Tribunal there in
the coming months, so I look forward to meeting you.
I am confident that you will divorce your husband
before marrying my son, as he is sensitive. Our
President, George W. Bush, is also very fond of what
he calls monogamy, and as a loyal subject of our
President I must agree. Please forward me proof of
your divorce before we proceed further.
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Crawford Tillinghast-Ramirez, Undersecretary for African
AffairsI don't hear from the Princess for several days, so I send her a short email:
Have you heard from my father?
He said he would write you. I hope he doesn't mess
this up.She replies:
He has indeed messed up everything,so please forget about this deal am already looking for another person whom will conclude the transaction for me.
Thanks and good luck.
Regards,
Mrs Princess.Damn... I can feel the 28 million slipping from my grasp.
I send this email:
I beg you to reconsider.
If it's not too late, I'd like your advice:
Should I go against my father's wishes and just send
you the numbers? Will the Princess renounce the 10 commandments and advise me to betray my own father?
Will she use my attraction to her to convince me to send the money?
Success stories all start the same way: Joe Blow finally snaps. His life of low-grade misery builds to a climactic moment where he says, "I'm blowing the dust off my clothes and taking off from this nowhere town to become a jet pilot/basketball player/mutated-super-soldier!"
Through determination, skill and good old American elbow grease, the hero overcomes every terrifying obstacle and achieves his dream: The duck becomes a swan.
They write that story in People magazine every week.
But failure stories begin like that too. You hardly ever hear them, though. You can only get those stories in bits and pieces.
There's no satisfying ending in failure stories, because once you've painted yourself into a corner, you have to keep going. What else are you going to do? The caterpillar fights to get out of the cocoon, but never manages an escape.
Here's something about a failure I knew: Tommy "Nails" Murphy. 68 years old. Said he'd been in showbusiness for 55 years. In all that time, he had met with no success. But he kept plugging away.
It wasn't courgaeous or inspiring, it was stupid.
He had the crazy wisdom of years, too: He wasn't deluding himself. He knew he was a wash-out, and that his life had amounted to nothing. He wrote his memoirs,
Quietly Flows My Desperation, long-winded ramblings about how the world had defeated him.
We went out for drinks once at an anonymous casino piano bar. The whole time, his 59-year-old girlfriend kept telling him not to drink, that he'd
promised. But he kept drinking.
He told me he was "shopping a revue" around Atlantic City. He meant he and a couple of other old troupers were performing an antiquated, unfunny vaudeville-style musical comedy in local nursing homes.
I have a videotape of one of the performances of "Fun's A Poppin'!" It's painful. The performers pause after each ancient joke, waiting for laughs and applause that never come: Tired old men trying to dazzle even older men with their wit and and showmanship.
Anyway, the night Nails and I went out for drinks, he kept pestering the piano player to let him sing a song. Nails had brought his own sheet music, and kept shoving it at the piano player, drunker and drunker each time.
Dramatic scene! Nails pushes it until the piano player is forced to choose between giving in, or calling security to have him removed.
In the end, at like 2 in the morning, the piano player had pity. He let Nails sing to the empty lounge.
He had a beautiful voice.
As we were leaving, I noticed that Nails had stolen all the glasses off the table.
Clarification:In my previous post, I said I'd like to burn Kirstie Alley down like an abandoned building. New Jersey Resident Steve Monell asked if this was a compliment. Like seeing a hot woman and saying, "I'd knock the bottom out of that thing."
I didn't mean it that way.
I meant I'd actually like to light Kirstie Alley on fire then stand back and watch her burn to death.
It's a pretty extreme reaction to a dumb TV show, I know, but what are you going to do? Maybe they should broadcast
Fat Actress on Showtime Extreme.
Fat Actress was like, "Look at me! I sure am baring my unpleasant soul! Look at how insipid I am. And how fat!"
All the Hollywood people played extra-retarded versions of themselves, and everyone was reprehensible...but not as bad as the "fans," who existed soley to validate Alley's idea that the world really does revolve around her; they weren't important enough to have their own personalities beyond: "Waiter who thinks Kirstie is pregnant" or "fan who wants Kirstie's autograph as she takes a shit" That was the point I guess, but it sucked. And I suck for having watched it.
(Speaking of the world revolving around Kirstie, if she keeps gaining weight, it really will! Haw haw haw! I slay me!)
I don't have a problem with fat people, and I think our society is crappy about them, but it's not the fat, it's the vapidity.
Anyway,
Fat Actress is a big pile of shit; it's embarrassing to watch, and I was drunk while it was on, and it's about as funny as bone cancer.
I felt sad for everyone involved, and I think people should have some damn shame every now and again.
But I don't really care about it one way or the other, and I'm sure it's someone, somewhere's favorite show, and who am I to tell other people what to like and blah blah blah.
But I still want kirstie alley to be lit on fire.
DirectTV gave Robyn and me a couple months of free Showtime (and Showtime EXTREME, where all the movies are extra LOUD and all up in your face, bitch.)
So I watched
Fat Actress, because I'm familiar with fat actresses.
I want to burn Kirstie Alley down like an abandoned house.
Speaking of important research...
These internet people are discussing how many 5-year-olds it would take to bring down a grown man.
This is an interesting discussion.
Imaginary Crimes
I was listening to Nick Cave's
Murder Ballads today, and I decided to catalog every murder within it, as well as the killer and the method of murder. Gangsta Rap has nothing on Nick Cave.
VICTIM----------------------METHOD------------------KILLER
1) Joy---------------------Stabbed------------------Unknown Assailant #1
2) Hilda-------------------Stabbed------------------Unknown Assailant #1
3) Hattie------------------Stabbed------------------Unknown Assailant #1
4) Bartender---------------Shot---------------------Stagger Lee
5) Will Billy--------------Shot---------------------Stagger Lee
6) Henry Lee---------------Stabbed, Thrown Down well-Unknown Assailant #2
7) Eliza Day---------------Bludgeoned with Rock------Unknown Assailant #3
8) Bill Blakey's Son------"Head Smashed Open"---------Loretta
9) Biko (a terrier)-------Nailed to Door--------------Stinky Bohoon and Friend
10) Handyman Joe----------Decapitated w/circular saw--Lorette
11) Mrs. Colgate----------Stabbed---------------------Loretta
12) 20 Children ----------Fell through ice after-------Loretta
warning signs were removed
13) 20 Unemployed Miners--Shot-------------------------"Crow" Jane
13) Mary Bellows----------Shot-------------------------Richard Slade
14) O'Malley--------------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
15) Mrs. O'Malley---------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
16) Shivon O'Malley------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
17) Caffery -------------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
18) Mrs. Richard Holmes--Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
19) Richard Holmes-------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
20) Mr. Brooks-----------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
21) Richardson-----------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
22) Jerry Bellows--------Bludgeoned by Ashtray-------Unknown Assailant #4
23) Henry Davenport------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
24) Kathleen Carpenter---Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4
25) Vincent West---------Shot------------------------Unknown Assailant #4There you have it. 66 murders. 65 people and one prize-winning terrier. Murder Ballads has the highest mortality rate of any record album I've ever heard, I think, if you discount apocalyptic music. This is important research, BTW.
Mavervorl The Thousand-Headed Goat and I are writing a horror movie. We wanted some office space, and through Marty's awesome networking power, we secured a haunted theater built at the turn of the 20th century by an mysterious magician.
I think it will do nicely. We've asked the ghosts to help us. Thank you, ghosts.
Here are some pictures:
It's a very dark place. Light won't penetrate its depths. Do you see the ghostly figures dancing onstage? Neither do I, but it would be cool if they were there, right?
The wife of the strange magician. Her eyes follow you wherever you walk.
These ventriloquist dummies did not come to life...
while I was watching.
Our work area.
This looks like an ordinary, creepy statue. But surprise...
Secret Door! No one has ever returned from this passage. What eldritch mysteries lurk therein? We may never know.
When we got bored with working, we played the exciting new game of the Kennedys. I was Sirhan Sirhan.
About having babies:Everyone tells us how wonderful having a baby will be and how we'll be completed and how the way we keep shuffling around on the world will finally be validated and blah blah blah.
Here's something else for you to enjoy:
http://www.ironycentral.com/babymain.html...proof that it's possible to have a baby and keep your important sense of irony.
East Vs. WestIf you live on the East side of Los Angeles, you might eat at The Bright Spot, a local diner with an ancient, peppy waitress, wood-paneling everywhere, and a happy clientele of old guys and Echo Park's finest under-employed artists and bullshitters.
If you are on the West side, you might eat at Swingers, where the waitresses are hired because they have cool tattoos, the decore is studied "retro" (whatever that is) and all the menu items have ironic names. "Oh, Ha Ha! The veggie omelet is called 'the Tiny Tim.' I can't believe it! There's a picture of Mr. T. on the menu? What a crazy-cool place is this!"
Swingers is the same as P.J. McGillicutty's or B.F. Flannigans, or whatever those restaraunts in the suburbs are called with the "funny" sayings everywhere. peanut shells on the floor and farm impliments attached to the walls.
If you want ham and eggs at the Bright Spot, you ask for it. If you want it at Swingers you asked for A "Burt Reynolds." Maybe the meals taste the same, but one is food and the other is gay.
More Scam Fun:>
Dear brother in christ Tuco,
>
> Ok please i am very sorry for usuing that hard words
> but you should understand how important and seriuos
> this transaction is and also the nature of stress am
> going through here really want to conclude this deal
> with you as to proceed over with my daughter to meet
> you up there in your country for our final stay,i
> have informed the security that you already sent the
> money to them but they are demanding for these
> following details:
>
> 1] MTCN:
>
> 2]CITY WHERE YOU SENT THE MONEY FROM:
>
> 3]SENDERS NAME:
>
> 4} recomfirm the receivers name you sent the money
> to?
>
> Please i can arrage for you to meet my lawyer
> personal in Holland if you are coming soonest to
> give him the $700 balance,so that the security
> company complete the monies to have the needed
> documents obtain to lift my said funds to you in
> your present there since you cant send the balance
> through western union again.
>
> Please just send me these above listed information
> from the western union so that i can forward it to
> them to enable them pick up the already sent $800.
>
> Once again as a christian brotherhood i ask that you
> forgive my hard words to you so that we can proceed
> further on our transaction together.
>
> thanks and remain blessed by God.
>
> Regards,
>
> Mrs Princess.My Repy:
The MTCN is the 10 digit number on the receipt?
Because there's also another number with 9 digits on
it. I'm not sure which one you want.
Is it the Money Transfer Control Number?I'm going to give her a made up MTCN number next. Wait for "her" to try to withraw the money be all pissed, and then photoshop a receipt with the same number and send it to her.
Then I'm going to tell her that I need $45 for schoolbooks, and would she please send it to me.
I should get out more.
The Princess is mad at me.
I asked if I could bring her the money for the will personally, and she responded with:
Listen i have grown more that what you can use for child's play,if you know you are not intrested and serious over this transaction then tell me instead of playing unescessary games with me,i simply asked you to send me the payment receipt of the sent $800 like you said then you are there asking me if you would bring the $700 to me personally,what does that surposed to mean?please if you are not intrested in this deal then tell me because i'm already noticing some kind of funny acts from you but if you are serious in this then send me the payment receipt given to you from the western union money transfer where you sent the $800 from.
Thanks and good luck.
Mrs Princess.So I replied:
Funny acts? What do you mean?
I'm trying to help you out here. I contacted Western
Union and the bank, and they assured me that the money
had been transferred. I have the receipt here in my
hands, but honestly, I don't like the tone of your
letter.
I'll be honest. After I transferred the money, I told
my Dad about the whole deal, and he forbade me to send
the rest of the cash to you. So I can't send it via
Western Union. I could write you a check from my
personal account, however. And as I am visiting Europe
this summer with my school's transfer program, I
thought I could meet either you or your
representatives in Holland. Is that such a strange
request?
You sound mean and you're being very hurtful to my
feelings. I'm trying to help out a fellow Christian
and you're yelling at me over the Internet? This is
not the way a Christian acts, Princess.
I know you're going through some rough times, but
you're lashing out at the person who is trying to help
you.
I'll send you a copy of the receipt as soon as I get
my scanner hooked up in my new dorm room... but
Western union informed me that you only need the info
from the receipt, and not an actual copy of it, so I
don't see why you need a copy of the receipt. Also: I didn't go to porn star karaoke last night because I am lame. But my pal
Gram Ponante, ace porn-journalist, made it. Please don't click this link unless you are over 18, not at work, and some kind of damn pervert or something.
More Fun With ScammersMaybe I'll be rich after all. I recieved an email from Mrs. Princess Marry from Cote D'Ivoire. Her husband was killed by rebels in some civil war, and they are going to use me to inherit his 10,000,000 bucks. It's not much, but there you go.
I respond with a short, "What can I do to help?" email and got this reply:
Dear Mr Tuco,
How are you together with your entire house hold?fine i hope. Thank you for your massage!
Well may you find favour before the almighty God over your readiness to conclude and profit from this transaction of mine which is duely introduced to you.
However regarding the procees of claiming of the said funds you will be required to travel to Europe-Holland to meet with the security company for the release of the funds to you on my behalf,Note that it was deposited by my late Husband in two boxes sealed,as i shall send you every legal documents such as the deposit certificate with other related documents that will enable you present to the security company in Holland for their proper verification before the release of the funds to you on my behalf.
Also i shall funish you more with more details regaring the reqirments for the clearing of the funds from the security company in Holland.
Again note that incase of your inability of traveling to Holland to receive the funds then the security company can deliver the funds to you whereever country you may wish worldwide under a special arrangement by a diplomatic imunity.
Urgently you are requested to send to me immediately,your contact detailed information such as your complete Name/Address with your Company name if you have any,together with your cell phone number/fax number,as i shall forward it to the security company for proper conversation between you and them,also i will send you on my next mail with their contact details in Holland to enable you contact them regarding any matter.
Thanks as i await your urgent response as per your readiness over traveling to Holland or not able so that i can provide you with further details regarding.
Stay blessed by the almighty God.
Regards,and sincerly yours.
Mrs Princess.So I replied with:
Dear Mrs. Princess,
Thank YOU for YOUR massage. I really appreciate the
financial help this money will bring to me! Surely
saint Sothoth smiles on our endevevors! In heaven with
Jesus!
I'm a college student at Miskatonic University, and
it's between semesters, so I'm sorry I can't give my
phone number until I get to my new dorm. Luckily for you (and me!) I just recieved my intitial
student loan payment from the government in the amount
of $2,550, so I'd be glad to wire the money or send a
check or whatever in order to recieve the funds you've
mentioned.... but, I'm a little nervous about this.
We're sort of going into business together, and I
don't know anything about you.
What is the name of your church? What special rituals
do you engage in? In my church, we have this greeting:
"The Spirit of The Great Old Ones walks within us."
That's so we might know one another. How about you?
I've also attached a picture of myself and picture of
my church's front sign so you can get to know me a
little better, now that we are partners.
Can you send a picture of yourself to me?
Also, in my church, we end our emails and letters
with:
"Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!"
(It's Latin)
In the future, can you please include that text with
your emails? It might seem silly to you, but I want to
make sure you're a Christian. I only trust Christians.
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn,
TucoI attached these photos:
She wrote back:
My Dear brother in Christ Tuco,
"Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!"
How are you today?fine i hope.remain blessed by the
almighty God who creat heaven and the earth.
Well it gives me great joy and happiness that you are a
real christian like myself that gives me confidence and
cool minded that you will not betray me with my funds
when you receives it in your care,I thank the lord whom
has brought us together in this deal,However i will
leave our country to meet you in your country once the
funds is delivered to you by the security company,then
you will send us flight fees for me and my daughter from
the funds,so that we come over to meet you there to
start up good business with the funds over there as my
late husband members will no longer know my ways about
then and acquire a nice apartment for our stay,we will
then attend your check together.
Thanks for your picture.I hereby attached my picture also.
The name of my church is {Revival Christian church of
God's Mission A.K.A JESUS Worldwide}.i belong to evangelism department in the church spreding the gospel of the lord jesus.we have one greetings in our church called ATAWALE''MEANING THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL OF ALL THINGS.She enclosed this picture, which is now my favorite thing on earth.
I wrote back with:
I hope I am not being too forward, let me say, you are quite a beautiful... perhaps as
beautiful and regal as the one Saint Cthulhu himself! I very much look forward to meeting you and your family, praying together and going swimming at the old
swimming hole.
Are you married?
I made a call to my bank, and I've wired the funds, but I needed to make a downpayment on a few texbooks (I'm majoring in Necromancy and I need many eldritch tomes to complete my courses) so I was only able to wire $800 today. I hope this will be sufficient until next week when the rest of my student loan money will be in my account...
It's not too late, is it? I didn't enclose the wire transfer information that she asked for. Mainly because there is no wire transfer information, but I figure I'm going to keep screwing up the process of sending the transfer, cause that might be funny.
Last night
Andrew Quintero (star of
Ghosts of Edendale) and I went out to Pasadena to catch a screening of a new Ray Romano movie(Like Everybody, I too Love Raymond). But we were denied access to the theater by modern sociey's ultimate enemy: Officious Woman With a Clipboard.
So we left and went to a lonely but awesome Pasadena record store. I can't remember what it was called, but we were impressed with it's nothing-self-consciously-hip aesthetic and selection of both obscure world music and Public Domain DVDs.
I bought a copy of
Mondo Balordo for 5 bucks, which is sweet.
Balordo, produced in 1964, features "shocking" stock footage (lions eating zebras, tribal rituals, etc.) and "shocking" faked footage (a beauty contest focusing only on breast-size, a German fraternity in which the members inflict dueling scars on one another, a midget whore, ACTUAL LESBIANS, etc.).
Boris Karloff's narration was pretty awe-inspiring, full of "high-brow" language which managed to say nothing at all for 90 minutes, but otherwise, the movie was only remarkable only in how haphazardly the footage was thrown together.
The short that came with Balordo, however, a 15-min film supposedly funded by the Egyptian government in the 1930s called
Sinister Menace, was pretty impressive. Many random shots of 1930s Egyptian lunatics with full on seizures, twitches and crazy-eyes over a hysterical narrator detailing the "narcotics menace" threatening THE ENTIRE WORLD.
"These unscrupulous drug dealers often mix their narcotics with
crushed human skulls," he told us.
That's a pretty impractical thing to cut your heroin with, if you ask me.
Anyway, we don't think the footage was really of drug users. I also doubt the film was financed by the Egyptian government. But where did it come from? Who is responsible? I may never answer these questions, but if you want the footage, you can buy it
here, but you should probably just find the DVD in a Pasadena record store and steal it. What are they gone do? Crush your skull?
Reason for happiness:
Leisuretown has returned.
The Last Vaudeville ShowHey! We checked out the
Palm Springs Follies this weekend. The PSF (as the cool kids call it) is a burlesque show performed by senior citizens.
While most old people are busy complaining about how we stuck them in a home or wondering who moved their pills, the cast of the Palm Springs Follies are telling jokes and taking their clothes off.
You got ancient ventriloquist, the guy who spun plates on the Ed Sullivan shows, lots of jokes about Viagra, an audience full of crones and fogies fresh from Shady Acres, but best off all: Tons of wizened old-gals in scanty costumes.
Check this one out:
Va-voom, right? She's 71 years old.
(Okay, probably the costumes weren't actually scanty, but rather carefully engineered, flesh-colored full body garments with elaborate, cantilever Breast-Support-Apparati-And-Varicose-Vein-annihilation-Systems.)
Still, all the Nanas were playing the vamp, cooing and acting sexy. My favorite line belonged to the 81-year-old vixen pictured here:
"I've had 3 husbands, and they're all dead. What does that tell you?" She said.
It was disturbing to my fragile masculinity.
I've never been a fan of burlesque; it was always lowest common denominator entertainment for mouth-breathers, full of extra Razzle and also a little Dazzle, but empty of anything but cheap thrills, like Hollywood action movies now. Palm Springs Follies was different though. It provided me the unique joy of being the youngest person in a house that seated 1000, but more affecting was the suspense and poignancy added to bump-and-grind by the unseen specter of death that hangs over every performance.
"If that biddy tap-dancing on the table trips, they might as well take her out back and shoot her like a used-up racehorse." I was thinking.
That's powerful theater, baby.
Robyn wants to dress as the grim reaper and attend the next performance, sitting stoically in the center of the theatre.
The title of the show,
Give 'Em What they Want, was exemplified by the closing number. It seems 'Em wants a Nuremberg-like patriotic jizz fest featuring a rousing rendition of our National Anthem, two 30-foot tall red-white-and-blue inflatable bald eagles, and tickertape falling from the ceiling against a film backdrop of scenes of our nation's most popular recent wars. WWII and Korea were heavily represented, but there was no mention of Vietnam.
God bless America, right?
The audience was eating that shit up, though. It must be nice to be reminded of a time when you were vital, before they pack you up on "the bussies" and drive your ass back to the home where you wait for a phonecall from your grandchildren or to die.
But, see, they made jokes about it. The comedian's material was full of references to alzheimers and impotence. Funny stuff to me...but I probably won't be laughing when someone is carting me off because I lit the house on fire with a candle or I can't button my shirt anymore.
A thing about the ugly painting in my living roomShould you ever be unlucky enough to enter my home, the thing you will notice (besides then the stench of failure) is this ugly-ass velvet painting:
It was a gift from a "friend," who thought I would "enjoy" this "art" and it would "enrich" my "life" in some way.
I don't, though. And it didn't.
I hate it.
It's worse than the picture of Dorian Gray, and it won't even grant me eternal youth.
Don't get me wrong, I dig space ships and robots, but there's something loathsome about this painting. It's hard to choose what angers me most: The mish-mash of retard-looking, deformed ships? How everything is thrown on the velvet with so little regard for the most basic rules of layout? Maybe it's the poor color choice?
Or maybe I'm offended by the logical problems. (I'm no nerd, but, I mean, do you really expect me to believe the hyper drive of the Millenium Falcon would be employed that close to the surface of a planet without creating a dangerous anti-matter field?
And Chewy didn't pick up on it? Please. And why is the
Close Encounters mountain floating in the sky?)
I hate that the paint has faded, destroying the bold colors that are the only thing velvet-as-an-art-medium ever had going for it.
I hate the way it leans to left.
I hates everything about it. I sometimes stare at it for hours in an attempt to come to grips with its evil, but can not.
On the plus side, the painting is a parlor game: "See if you can name all the ships and robots AND the films they live in," we say to our guests. (As you can tell, We're super-exciting hosts and have learned a lot about how to maintain lively and urbane dinner parties! Wanna come over,
please?)
Like all horrible thing, the painting was purchased on Ebay, but where did it originate? Who committed the atrocity of creating it?
Our pal Gus Mastrapa was of the opinion that it's a piece of fan art-- some lonely sci-fi nerd painted all the ships and robots he loved on one canvas, and somehow it ended up in my living room 30 years later. This accounts for the terrible composition and amateurish style.
Gus thinks the painting should be appreciated as folk art. He's crazy.
I thought the off-centerness of the painting was a dead giveaway that it had been created in a velvet painting factory, maybe in Juarez Mexico, where a rich entrepreneur sporting a pinky ring was trying, in some sad little way, to exploit the Sci-Fi boom of the late '70s by churning out millions of bad, space-themed velvets on an artistic assembly line. In order to increase market-share, he decided to cynically throw in every late '70s space ship.
The factory is staffed by 8-year-old peasants dressed in rags, with their tiny fingers chopped off and replaced by brushes, so they can paint faster, ever faster. They eat only gruel, and any slowing of the punishing pace is met with a whipcrack from the surly drunken guards. The children weep all day, and each moment seems to last for a thousand years.
They deserved it, too. Just look at that damn thing.
Anyway, we were both wrong.
Robyn's co-worker, the Amazing Frank(tm) stopped by yesterday. Not only could Frank rattle off the name of every space ship and robot without hesitating--he's the only one who's been able to so far--he also knew where the painting came from! Or at least what inspired it.
Dig this cover of
Fantastic Films magazine from August, 1978.
The composition is shitty because it's meant to be a cover of a magazine, and the incongruous collection of ships is 'cause the main article in this issue of "The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction in the Cinema" is an interview with special effects guru Douglass Trumbull, who created the space-visuals for all the various pictures pictured.
So, it looks like some guy went on an art bender and copied the pull-out poster from his damn nerd magazine--This was before the internet, so he didn't have a blog.
Side Note: Frank once made a stormtrooper costume out of paper mache. Frank is my hero. As robyn pointed out in my comments section, suave, dashing frank has taken his passion for movies and effects and parlayed it into the kind of career and life that normal people only dream of.
Geekery, when you get down to it, is all about passion, baby.
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CAN YOU NAME ALL THE SHIPS AND ROBOTS?????? LEAVE GUESSES BELOW.
(contest winner obligated to take painting away from my house.)
