Suspension of Disbelief Dot Net: 02/01/2005

2.26.2005

Shut-in!

Two things about being a shut-in:

1) Some Seventh Day Adventists came to my door today(Larry and Wilma, charming, middle-age African American couple, part of a small army of well-dressed, smiling relgious-people tramping through Echo Park on Saturday Morning) and I was happy to chat with them. We cut it up about miracles and the Tsunami and Jesus, and they left copies of Awake! and The Watchtower. "You seem very open-minded," they said. "We'd like to stop back again, in case you have any questions." t

I said, "Sure! Stop back!" I was going to tell them I had a close, personal relationship with Jesus, and he was kind of a dick a lot of times, but I decided against it.

I might buy into their worldview, but, according to their church, only 144,000 people are going to disappear into heaven on Rapture day, and those odds are too long for me to spend my life waiting for Jesus to fall out the sky.

2) Robyn and I invented a drinking game for the Airport movies last night while watching Aiport '77. You must drink when:

+ Anyone says "niner" on a radio or refers to a plane as a "bird."

+ When anyone is advised to fasten their seatbelts or brace themselves.

+ The initial appearance of a washed-up movie star calls for a shot. (The movie star must have been washed up when the movie was released, or you'd crink yourself blind. So if you're watching Airport 1975, take a shot for Gloria Swanson but not Karen Black.)

+ When a child pronounces something wrong, but it's kinda cute, you have to drink.

+ Drink when anyone other than the pilot flies the plane.

The most important rule, though is: Everyone must drink when Joe Patroni gets steamed-up and yells.

Joe Patroni is my favorite character in movie history. Played by the supernaturally awesome George Kennedy, Joe Patroni began his career in aviation as the head of airport maintenance in the original Airport; his leadership of the snow removal crew ultimately saves the day for the unlucky plane.

In Airport 1975, Patroni was, inexplicably, a helicopter pilot who helped Charlton Heston rappel into the hole in the side of the plane.

In Airport '77, I'm not sure what Joe Patroni was, but he hung out with the Navy guys in the radar room and wore a headset. (This is the only appearance of Joe Patroni where he doesn't get mad and yell, by the way, disappointing us all.)

In Airport '79: The Concorde, Joe Patroni has changed careers again. Now he's a pilot. Every keeps calling him fat, which is a drag, but Jimmie Walker is there and so is Charo and Sylvia Kristel, so that makes up for it.

2.21.2005

Monday Awesomness!

Our good pals Drew:

and Marichelle:

Created this series of folk-art style plates commenmorating various milestones in Robyn and I's relationship. I wanted to share.

Here, we are making out for the first time. (Note empty liquor bottles.)

Here I am moving in with Robyn.

Here's our romantic, Eifell Tower proposal.

Finally, the Jug Band we've hired to play at our July wedding.

Thanks, Drew and Mare, you guys are super-tops.

More About Two Headed Babies

According to Anomalies and Curiosities of Medicine ("Being an encyclopedic collection of rare and extraordinary cases, and of the most striking instances of abnormality in all branches of medicine and surgery.") In the 1800s, a man in Clicklade, England was discovered with two fully-functioning sets of eyes.

"The vision in each organ appeared to be perfect. He could revolve each eye seperately in its orbit, looking backwards with one and foreward with another."

"He was of a savage, malignant disposition, delighting in ugly tricks, teasing children, torturing helpless animals, uttering blasphemous words, and acting altogether like the monster, mentally and physically, he was."

"He could play the fiddle, though in a silly sort. He also sang, but in a rough, screeching voice not to be listened to without disgust."

Nowadays, when the odd two-headed baby is born, they cut off the second head like a wart or a sixth finger. They ignore the moral implications. What if two heads (and two brains) are the next step in our evolution?

My own experience with two headed people is limited to a conversation I had with the chick who played the daughter on The Nanny. She said she was half of a set of twins but she had absorbed or assimilated her twin brother or sister in-utero.

"You can still feel its eye-sockets on the back of my head," she said. You could too-- she had two evenly spaced depression in her skull.

I was pretty impressed, but then I talked to my Mom, a nurse, and she explained that it's relatively common for people to have depressions on their skulls from the forceps used to extract stubborn fetuses from comfy wombs.

Also, the chick who played the daughter on The Nanny spat in our swimming pool, and offered no explanation. Maybe it was her vestigial twin.

2.20.2005

2.19.2005

This site chronicles the life of a stuffed dog.

It is the best thing on the Internet.

I love little stuffed dog website. Please visit! A world of wonder is yours to behold!

http://toydog.blogspot.com/

Sadly, I have had no further contact from my millionaire friend. Like all my plans in life, the deal for the 28 million dollar inheritence fell through. I have leads on a Prince from the Congo who needs my help. So there's that.

I also tried to take some pictures of my cat's rotten teeth for your enjoyment, but was rewarded with an impossibly blurry photo and some nasty scratches on my hand.

My cat smells like he swallowed an open grave.

Must take him to a cat Dentist soon.

2.09.2005

Garfield Re-Mixes

Garfield takes a lot of shit, but maybe you don't get it.

2.08.2005

MILLIONAIRE UPDATE!!

I was begining to think My Millionaire Contact in the Far East was deserting me, and offering my millions to someone else, but then I got the following email from him:

Dear Tuco,

I am sorry I could not get back to you earlier than this; however I
appreciate your genuine interest in this transaction. Before I proceed
any further, I sincerely apologize for my last correspondence to you;
it was not intended to embarrass you but rather to assure you the
seriousness of this transaction.

Bow down, bitch.

Having read your email and gone through some of your profile, I must confess that am very glad to note that you are a noble, matured, and trustworthy Person, whom I can rely on for your capabilities to handle this transaction maturely, I am very
confident doing this business with you.

Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to
remind you that it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If you
work seriously, the entire transaction should be over in a couple of
days.

Firstly, I want to make this point clear from the onset , that I do not
intend to leave my share of the funds dormant in an Account, once the
funds is entrusted to you, but rather, I intend committing 70% of my
share in any lucrative business opportunity within your knowledge
existing in your area. Details of the investment plan or scheme will be
communicated to you subsequently.

DETAILS OF SCAM OMMITED, EXCEPT THAT I"M SUPPOSED TO OPEN AN ACCOUNT IN A FOREIGN BANK.

Before I commence, I will need you to send me a copy of your
identification (Driver's license or International passport) and your
current address, to enable the attorney perfect the paper work as soon
as possible. I will also be sending you my international passport copy
upon receipt of your identification for your reference.

I'll be sending him the following driver's license:

Ensure that you keep this project confidential; do not discuss it with
anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my
work.

Please reply soonest.

Regards,

Qin.

Damn. Guess I didn't do my part to keep the project confidential.

2.07.2005

Craigslist Roundup!

I am bored. You are bored. Let's look at craigslist and discuss, wanna?

Number One
Revolution Communications is a marketing communications firm that creates innovative marketing solutions for our clients. The firm is launching an exciting new travel and tourism marketing product and is seeking enthusiastic journalists for a three month non-paid internship.

This company employs many exciting, action adjectives to create the zing!, spark! and synergy! needed to convince someone enthusiatic to work full-time without pay for three months. I'd sign up, but my mouth hurts from smiling so much.

----------------------------

Don't send resume here.

MUST know inverted pryamid style/journalistic/newspaper background. MUST manage staff of editors/writers. Set priorities,schedules,critique staff writing,oversee publishing of all newsletters,assoc.magazine,bulletins. Advocacy writing profile

Power trip, much, Natural Resource Company? It must be very stressful, managing your patent for a "system and its methods that apply a pesticide of any sort to any body of water, using a boat or other floating vessel while receiving positioning data from a global positioning system," but MUST you yell at me? I DON'T know you. CAN you use commas correctly?

--------------------------------

There's something adorable about this listing, though.

Writer Extraordinaire

Public Communications Services sells solutions. Working with a team of professionals, you will have the opportunity to impact the future growth of the company using your expert writing skills to help develop the framework of the department's respones to Requests for Proposals. You will have the opportunity to not just write but to analyze, research, and explore the best possible solution for our customer, predominately county and state government entities.

If having a direct impact on the growth of the organization excites you, this may be the opportunity you are looking for.

PCS offers the usual plethora of benefits, including 401(k) match and profit sharing. Our easy access location on the "West" side comes with free parking.

It makes me think of a bunch of kids who have decided, gosh darn it, they're going to put on a show! And they need another enthusiastic kid with expert writing skills to help get out there and, gosh darn it, sell some solutions.

But then I got scared because, why the quotes around "West" side? Is your easy access location not really on the westside? Tricking me, Public Communications Services? Damn YOU!

------------------------

Now I'm even more bored than I was before I started. But look at these listing: Pages and pages of "missed connections".

Also, Mr. Quinwang has not written me back and I feel I may have soured my 28-million dollar inheretence. He has a problem with Ostrich professionals, I think. RACIST!

2.05.2005

Nizzles,

Earlier, I posted about my intentions to join a local streetgang. I recant. After a personal visit from Laura Bush, the new Dont-Be-In-A-Gang-Czar, I've decided that thug life ain't for me, yo.

I enjoyed Mrs. Bush's cookies and the charming secret service agents, but I was a little put off when she leaned over to me and whispered through gritted teeth "Please help me escape."

That's not very polite.

But then I was like, "Laura, as an ex-gang member in one Echo Park's most notorious street gangs (Los Diablos De Gentrification), I'd like to become an anti-gang activist."

Laura offered me a small cut of the 150 millllionnn dollars going to her anti-gang-violence program, then cut and run. Luckily, her secret service men were ready with a soothing tranquilizer dart.

I'm opening "Steve Johnson House" next week. I'm hanging a sign outside our door that reads, "Stop being in a gang, bitches."

You know, for the kids.

2.04.2005

Hey!

When Steve Johnson gives the nod to websites and crap, it means a lot. I'm like a studio head in the 40s--when I turn my Sauron-like flaming-eye-up-in-a-big-scary-tower on you, you're, like, MADE. And today, I hereby shift my gaze towards Chic Geeks.

Sure, it's run by a pal of mine and written by pals of mine, and I don't know how chic any of them are, (really I'm not sure what chic even means, because I'm not very bright) but there you have it.

Enjoy the news on the cancelation of Star Trek. Marvel at the wonders of Star Wars merchandising! Gaze in awe at the tales of being a geek's wife! It's all on your plate, Internet, and I implore you...no, I DEMAND you read it, enjoy it, and cover it with your horrible love.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I'm about to become a very wealthy man! I recieved an important email from foreign businessman Qin Wang. It reads in part:

I am Mr.Qin Wang,
credit officer of Hang Seng Bank Ltd,I have an
urgentand very confidential business proposition for
you. Sorry my English is not very
good. Furthermore,due to this issueon my hands now,it
became necesary for me to seek your assistance, andit
is imperative for me to know your opinion.On April
26th, 2000, an American Oil consultant/contractor with
theChinese petroleum Minerals Corporation, Mr.
Richard Nault made anumbered time (Fixed) Deposit for
twelve calendar months, valued atUS$28,000,000.00
(Twenty-eight Million Dollars only) in my branch.
Uponmaturity,I sent a routine notification to his
forwarding address butgot no reply. After a month, we
sent a reminder and finally wediscovered from his
contractemployers, the Hong Kong petroleum Minerals
Corporation that Mr.Richard Nault died from an
automobile accident. On furtherinvestigation, I found
out that he died without making a WILL, and
allattempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.I
therefore made further investigation and discovered
that Mr. RichardNault did not declare any kin or
relations in all his officialdocuments, including his
Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum
ofUS$28,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the
interest is beingrolled over with the principal sum at
the end of each year. My proposal is
that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the
next of kin to Mr. Richard Nault. This is simple, I
will like you to provideimmediately your full names
and address so that the attorney willprepare the
necessary documents and affidavits that will put you
inplace as the next of kin.

I Replied thusly:

Dear Honorable Mr. Wing Wang:

I speak for myself and all of my ancestors in lauding
this amazing offer which has fallen in my lap! This is
an offer in which I am most interested! But While I
would very much like to have 28 million dollar, and I
thank you for your offer, I am liking you to send me
more details about your bank.

I am a businessman--I own a variety of important
financial things and ostrich farms and
computer-chip-making apparatus and fast food
restaurants (mainly Arby's). I've succeeded wildly in
the "business game" through my keen instincts about
people (and my tenacious, can-do spirit). Before I
apply to stand in and inherit 28 million dollars, tell
me about you, Mr. Wing Wang. What are your goals,
finacially and personally?

I am liking to send you my name and address:

My Full Name:

Tuco Ramirez
1313 Mockingbird Lane,
Los Angeles, CA 91303

Please respond via email only, however. My mailman is
a little off and I often fail to recieve packages.

His Reply:

Thank you for your response, I got your contact email discretely during
my search for a reliable partner who would be of assistance to me in
order to have the funds transferred out from my bank, if you read my
previous email properly I have explained the why I need your
assistance, and the fact remains that I cannot transfer the funds in my
own name, this is the main reason your assistance as a foreigner is
required, however I would like to be sure of your willingness,
trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction with me, I
cannot afford to compromise these virtues, I have my principles.
Considering the money involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of
the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction, my trust is
not given out lightly, I need to be convinced that you are a matured
person with some integrity will endeavor to call you provided our
telephone conversation will not be intercepted over there, it is not
safe for you to call me here.

With regards to the legality, I want to inform you that the attorney
will prepare the Affidavits which shall legally put you in place as
next of kin, he will obtain the necessary clearances which will cover
all the aspects involved in this transaction from the Hong Kong
authorities including the Justice department.
I must also inform you that you will not have to travel here for any
reason, because the attorney shall be handling all matters of probate
on your behalf, you will be duly represented here by the attorney, he
is an accredited Lawyer with vast experience in issues of inheritance
here in Hong Kong. He will have all the documents perfected, and with
these documents he shall come forward to my bank to apply for the
immediate release and transfer of the funds. I have been a professional
banker for many years and I know perfectly how the system works.

What I expect from you is trust and commitment, I want this large sum
of money transferred with your assistance, and as a banker I know that
if we follow up this transaction diligently it would be completed
within 12 working days.

I want to know if you are willing to follow up this business seriously
before I can give you more details about this transaction, as a result
of which I shall be waiting for your response and assurance, you need
to be someone whom I can rely upon, at least for absolute commitment.
Sincerely,
Qin.

I Replied:

Mr. Wang, In your latest correspondence, you've asked several times whether I'm "serious" and "matured." Quite frankly, I'm a little insulted by your tone. As I have said, I'm a serious businessman, and I don't have a lot of time to waste. If you're going to give me details of your plan, please do so at once.

If you need evidence of my totally seriousness, please consult the following websites:

http://www.arbys.com/

www.rm-ostrich.com

The first is a link to Arby's, an international fast food purveyor of roast beef sandwiches and diet cokes. I am a big player at Arby's.

The second link is to my ostrich farm concern. We're one of the major ostrich, ostrich-feed and breeding providers IN THE WORLD.

I started RM Ostrich in 1987 with a single egg and a dream and have built it up into a multi-national conglomerate, and a worldwide influence in ostrich agricultural. Please see my company profile in Ostrich Farming Techniques and IMplimentation Magazine (July, 1997) for further evidence of my seriousity.'

Honestly, I'm a little concerned with how serious you are. Please don't keep me waiting any longer, Mr. Wang.

Love,

Tuco

PS--I'm sad I won't be able to visit Hong Kong. I was hoping to stay with you or your attorney.

Suspension of Disbelief Dot Net